You’re getting at that stage and I don’t know if I’m ready for this, I don’t know if I can handle this. Before, either because you couldn’t really express yourself or because you still didn’t know exactly what you wanted to do, you would listen, do, and be content with everything Mommy and Daddy said. Not anymore. You are now starting to want to do what you want to do and are not inclined to just listen to what Mommy and Daddy say.
This is the part I am not ready for. This is the time where I have to start saying things like: “Because I said so,” “Just do it”, “If you don’t finish it, you can’t eat supper,” and simply “No.” As a father I need to say stuff like that from time to time. If I don’t, that’s not fair to you in the long run. You won’t learn if I don’t do that, if you always get your way. You need to learn that there are disappointments in life and that you can’t always get your way.
That is the part that I don’t know if I can handle or not. You’re just too cute. I love you too much. It breaks my heart to see that look on your face, it breaks my heart to see you cry. (It also breaks my heart when you get that sad look on your face when I have to leave for work. I really wish I didn’t have to go to work and that I could stay at home with you; I really do.) I don’t want to tell you that you can’t do something. I want to let you do what you want to do.
But I can’t. I’m the father and you’re the child. You have to listen, you have to learn that certain things need to be done at a certain time. So, I will have to try to be harder. But please remember, that however upset you are that you couldn’t get your way, I am just as upset because I couldn’t let you have your way.
Monday, 11 April 2011
Thursday, 18 February 2010
Falling and Letting Down
I just wasn't fast enough.
My boy and I were sitting on the couch after dinner. He went to grab something from the end table and then started to slide back. I reached to grab him but couldn't catch him in time. He fell backwards onto the floor.
I picked him up as soon as he hit the floor. He cried on my shoulder for a while. I think he's alright now. He's probably already forgotten it.
The problem is that I once told him that I would keep him safe, I told him that I wouldn't let anything happen to him. I told him that as long as I was there, he didn't have to be scared. And then he falls when I'm right there beside him.
I'll have to be faster. I'll have to be more careful. I want to be a man of my word, and I feel like I have let him down. I'll try to be better.
My boy and I were sitting on the couch after dinner. He went to grab something from the end table and then started to slide back. I reached to grab him but couldn't catch him in time. He fell backwards onto the floor.
I picked him up as soon as he hit the floor. He cried on my shoulder for a while. I think he's alright now. He's probably already forgotten it.
The problem is that I once told him that I would keep him safe, I told him that I wouldn't let anything happen to him. I told him that as long as I was there, he didn't have to be scared. And then he falls when I'm right there beside him.
I'll have to be faster. I'll have to be more careful. I want to be a man of my word, and I feel like I have let him down. I'll try to be better.
Saturday, 13 February 2010
Being a Man
While my wife was pregnant, I did a fair amount of reading about what to expect as a new father. One of the things I read was that you should never tell anyone what sex you hope your child to be. If you're hoping for one sex but the baby turns out to be the other and then later finds out, your child could be quite upset. So maybe I shouldn't say this, but I was hoping for a girl.
I love my son, there is no doubt about that. I love him because he is my child, whether that child is my son or my daughter does not make any difference -- the amount of love would be the same either way.
I told my students and other people various reasons for wanting a girl over a boy. But none of what I said was the real reason.
So what is the real reason for wanting a girl instead of a boy? I think it is harder to be the father of a boy than it is to be the father of a girl. The expectations a son puts on his father are much harder than those put on him by a daughter. The problem with that is that I am not sure I am man enough for that.
I blame my own father for that. I mean that in a nice way though. Every son thinks his father can do everything, but most of the time -- I think -- that it not exactly true. It just seems that way to a young child. I was lucky growing up in that for me it literally was true: I had a father that really could do anything. Anything that was broken, my father could fix. Anything that needed to be done, my father could do.
I am not like that. I know there are a lot of things I cannot do. I am not mechanically inclined nor am I mechanically adept. I don't know how to do many things around the house, such as plumbing, electrical work, or general fixes. When it comes to a lot of things -- I am now starting to realise -- I am flying by the seat of my pants. I don't really know what I am doing most of the time.
I worry about what my son will think of me. I worry that he's going to think his father is this great person -- as most young boys do -- when in reality I am the opposite. I worry about being a disappointment to my son. I worry about not only being a good enough father, but about not being a good enough man. I probably wouldn't have those worries with a daughter.
I'm just trying to be the best father, husband, and man I can be. But I'm not sure if that's going to be enough.
I love my son, there is no doubt about that. I love him because he is my child, whether that child is my son or my daughter does not make any difference -- the amount of love would be the same either way.
I told my students and other people various reasons for wanting a girl over a boy. But none of what I said was the real reason.
So what is the real reason for wanting a girl instead of a boy? I think it is harder to be the father of a boy than it is to be the father of a girl. The expectations a son puts on his father are much harder than those put on him by a daughter. The problem with that is that I am not sure I am man enough for that.
I blame my own father for that. I mean that in a nice way though. Every son thinks his father can do everything, but most of the time -- I think -- that it not exactly true. It just seems that way to a young child. I was lucky growing up in that for me it literally was true: I had a father that really could do anything. Anything that was broken, my father could fix. Anything that needed to be done, my father could do.
I am not like that. I know there are a lot of things I cannot do. I am not mechanically inclined nor am I mechanically adept. I don't know how to do many things around the house, such as plumbing, electrical work, or general fixes. When it comes to a lot of things -- I am now starting to realise -- I am flying by the seat of my pants. I don't really know what I am doing most of the time.
I worry about what my son will think of me. I worry that he's going to think his father is this great person -- as most young boys do -- when in reality I am the opposite. I worry about being a disappointment to my son. I worry about not only being a good enough father, but about not being a good enough man. I probably wouldn't have those worries with a daughter.
I'm just trying to be the best father, husband, and man I can be. But I'm not sure if that's going to be enough.
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
January 14, 2009
I have a student whose parents are divorced. She lives with her mother and does not like her father. I get the impression he doesn’t really care for his children either. I don’t really understand that at all.
I -- your father -- love you. I have not even seen you yet but I still love you. I have never really spoken with you, but I love you. And when I finally get the chance to hold you and hug you and kiss you and play with you and talk with you, I will love you even more. Why? How is that possible? Because you are my son, my child; you are a part of me. I will love you forever just because you were born, just because you are my child. And anything you may ever do to get me to love you will only make me love you more.
I -- your father -- love you. I have not even seen you yet but I still love you. I have never really spoken with you, but I love you. And when I finally get the chance to hold you and hug you and kiss you and play with you and talk with you, I will love you even more. Why? How is that possible? Because you are my son, my child; you are a part of me. I will love you forever just because you were born, just because you are my child. And anything you may ever do to get me to love you will only make me love you more.
Saturday, 27 December 2008
December 27, 2008
It’s been a long time since we’ve written anything to you. We haven’t forgotten about you. In fact, you are all we think about anymore. Thoughts of you are gong through my head all day.
So what do I think about? I think about taking Mommy to the hospital when you are ready to come out. I think about getting a phone call while I’m in class and having to tell my students that I have to go because I’m about to be a father. I think about helping and encouraging Mommy as you’re coming out. I think about holding you when you do come out. (I might be crying because I’m so happy to see you; try not to judge -- this is one those times when a man is allowed to cry.) I think about taking care of you, and playing with you, and teaching you things. I think about how happy I am going to be to have you in my life.
So then why have we not been writing to you? We’ve been busy doing other things, primarily something called “prenatal teaching”. We’ve been talking to you and reading stories to you while you are there inside Mommy. We are hoping that by talking to you and reading you stories, your brain will develop more and you’ll be a very smart little boy. You’ll also be able to recognise our voices when we talk to you after you are born. We’re doing this to help you grow and develop.
You seem to kick and move around a lot when we read you stories. A book I was reading suggested that means you are a little agitated or uncomfortable. Mommy thinks it means that you are listening and that you like it. So who’s right? I think right now Mommy knows you better than some doctor who wrote a book many years ago and doesn’t know you. Right now nobody knows you better than yourself and Mommy who loves you very much.
(One more thing: Mommy says that when she hears my motorcycle pulling into the garage, she tells you I’m home and then you give a little kick. Does that mean you’re happy I’m home? I hope so because I’m happy to be home and happy to see you.)
So what do I think about? I think about taking Mommy to the hospital when you are ready to come out. I think about getting a phone call while I’m in class and having to tell my students that I have to go because I’m about to be a father. I think about helping and encouraging Mommy as you’re coming out. I think about holding you when you do come out. (I might be crying because I’m so happy to see you; try not to judge -- this is one those times when a man is allowed to cry.) I think about taking care of you, and playing with you, and teaching you things. I think about how happy I am going to be to have you in my life.
So then why have we not been writing to you? We’ve been busy doing other things, primarily something called “prenatal teaching”. We’ve been talking to you and reading stories to you while you are there inside Mommy. We are hoping that by talking to you and reading you stories, your brain will develop more and you’ll be a very smart little boy. You’ll also be able to recognise our voices when we talk to you after you are born. We’re doing this to help you grow and develop.
You seem to kick and move around a lot when we read you stories. A book I was reading suggested that means you are a little agitated or uncomfortable. Mommy thinks it means that you are listening and that you like it. So who’s right? I think right now Mommy knows you better than some doctor who wrote a book many years ago and doesn’t know you. Right now nobody knows you better than yourself and Mommy who loves you very much.
(One more thing: Mommy says that when she hears my motorcycle pulling into the garage, she tells you I’m home and then you give a little kick. Does that mean you’re happy I’m home? I hope so because I’m happy to be home and happy to see you.)
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
November 26, 2008
The other day Mommy and I bought a couple pens for the sole purpose of writing in this book. We did that just for you. Don’t forget that Mommy and I love you.
You’re getting bigger and bigger; you’re growing up. According to what we’ve read, your ears are fully developed now and you can hear what we are saying. So Mommy and I try to talk you every day.
Mommy has been reading a lot of books about prenatal communication and teaching. (I haven’t been able to as we can’t find any book about that in English.) She has been reading stories about children who -- because of prenatal communication -- have become really intelligent and gone to university at a very young age.
Just to let you know, we don’t necessarily want you to be like that. We just want you to be smart and a nice person. We want you to enjoy your childhood because being a child should be fun. Playing is very important, whether you are big or small, and I plan on playing with you.
I am your father. I am also my father’s son, just as you are my son. I want to tell you a little story. Growing up, sometimes there were days when I didn’t have to go to school, but my father had to go to work. When I was a kid, I always tried to wake up early on those days even though I didn’t have to. Why? Because I wanted to see my father before he left for work. I didn’t necessarily have to say anything to him, I just wanted to see him. If I didn’t see him (like maybe if I slept too late), I felt unhappy for the rest of the day. I hope I can be a good enough father to you that you will want to do the same thing when I leave for work. I know I will want to see you before I leave home.
You’re getting bigger and bigger; you’re growing up. According to what we’ve read, your ears are fully developed now and you can hear what we are saying. So Mommy and I try to talk you every day.
Mommy has been reading a lot of books about prenatal communication and teaching. (I haven’t been able to as we can’t find any book about that in English.) She has been reading stories about children who -- because of prenatal communication -- have become really intelligent and gone to university at a very young age.
Just to let you know, we don’t necessarily want you to be like that. We just want you to be smart and a nice person. We want you to enjoy your childhood because being a child should be fun. Playing is very important, whether you are big or small, and I plan on playing with you.
I am your father. I am also my father’s son, just as you are my son. I want to tell you a little story. Growing up, sometimes there were days when I didn’t have to go to school, but my father had to go to work. When I was a kid, I always tried to wake up early on those days even though I didn’t have to. Why? Because I wanted to see my father before he left for work. I didn’t necessarily have to say anything to him, I just wanted to see him. If I didn’t see him (like maybe if I slept too late), I felt unhappy for the rest of the day. I hope I can be a good enough father to you that you will want to do the same thing when I leave for work. I know I will want to see you before I leave home.
Monday, 17 November 2008
November 17, 2008
Yesterday I went to the department store with Mommy, your aunt, and your grandmother. While we were there, I spent a lot of time looking around. (When you go shopping with women, you have a lot of time to do that.) As I was looking around, I saw quite a few parents with very young children. I even saw a father carrying his son. Looking at him, I was thinking that in one or two years that could be you and me. That thought made me very happy.
We’re getting close to when we can see you. I’m getting excited. I’ve been feeling you kick more lately too. You seem to move around a lot. The other night I felt you moving in there, not just kicking, but moving around. It was very interesting. Make sure you grow up into a very healthy baby. You do that, and I’ll make sure you can stay healthy later.
We’re getting close to when we can see you. I’m getting excited. I’ve been feeling you kick more lately too. You seem to move around a lot. The other night I felt you moving in there, not just kicking, but moving around. It was very interesting. Make sure you grow up into a very healthy baby. You do that, and I’ll make sure you can stay healthy later.
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