Falling and Letting Down

I just wasn't fast enough.

My boy and I were sitting on the couch after dinner. He went to grab something from the end table and then started to slide back. I reached to grab him but couldn't catch him in time. He fell backwards onto the floor.

I picked him up as soon as he hit the floor. He cried on my shoulder for a while. I think he's alright now. He's probably already forgotten it.

The problem is that I once told him that I would keep him safe, I told him that I wouldn't let anything happen to him. I told him that as long as I was there, he didn't have to be scared. And then he falls when I'm right there beside him.

I'll have to be faster. I'll have to be more careful. I want to be a man of my word, and I feel like I have let him down. I'll try to be better.

Being a Man

While my wife was pregnant, I did a fair amount of reading about what to expect as a new father. One of the things I read was that you should never tell anyone what sex you hope your child to be. If you're hoping for one sex but the baby turns out to be the other and then later finds out, your child could be quite upset. So maybe I shouldn't say this, but I was hoping for a girl.

I love my son, there is no doubt about that. I love him because he is my child, whether that child is my son or my daughter does not make any difference -- the amount of love would be the same either way.

I told my students and other people various reasons for wanting a girl over a boy. But none of what I said was the real reason.

So what is the real reason for wanting a girl instead of a boy? I think it is harder to be the father of a boy than it is to be the father of a girl. The expectations a son puts on his father are much harder than those put on him by a daughter.  The problem with that is that I am not sure I am man enough for that.

I blame my own father for that. I mean that in a nice way though. Every son thinks his father can do everything, but most of the time -- I think -- that it not exactly true. It just seems that way to a young child. I was lucky growing up in that for me it literally was true: I had a father that really could do anything. Anything that was broken, my father could fix. Anything that needed to be done, my father could do.

I am not like that. I know there are a lot of things I cannot do. I am not mechanically inclined nor am I mechanically adept. I don't know how to do many things around the house, such as plumbing, electrical work, or general fixes. When it comes to a lot of things -- I am now starting to realise -- I am flying by the seat of my pants. I don't really know what I am doing most of the time.

I worry about what my son will think of me. I worry that he's going to think his father is this great person -- as most young boys do -- when in reality I am the opposite. I worry about being a disappointment to my son. I worry about not only being a good enough father, but about not being a good enough man. I probably wouldn't have those worries with a daughter.

I'm just trying to be the best father, husband, and man I can be. But I'm not sure if that's going to be enough.